Humor--Jokes, Puns, Groans!

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Which Way?

DA policeman stopped a motorist for driving the wrong way down a one-way street. "Just where do you think you're going?" the policeman asked. "I don't know," answered the confused driver, "but I must be late. Everyone else is already coming back."

Food for Thought

Descartes went into a restaurant for lunch.  The waiter approached his table and asked, "Would you like to try the daily special?" Descartes answered, "No, I think not..." and *POOF* -  he disappeared!


The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD all are trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each agency try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon.  The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

All Asea...

Riddle: If President Clinton and his wife are on a boat on the ocean, the boat overturns and they both end up in the sea without life jackets, who gets saved? Answer: The country.

The President--Hard At Work

Clinton is sitting at his desk in the oval office when an aide approaches with a concerned look on his face, waving a piece of paper in the air. He says, "Sir, what about this abortion bill? ...Without looking up, Clinton snaps, "Just pay it!"

Microsoft Cars

What If Microsoft Built Cars?

  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
  • You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
  • The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
  • The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.
  • People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,  forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
  • We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  • If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  • Microsoft wouldn't build their own engines, they'd form a cartel with engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point  fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
  • There would be an Engium Pro with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
  • Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would be able to receive only Microsoft FM, and would play only Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
  • Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars for free, including IBM.
  • If you still ran old versions of Car (i.e. CarDOS 6.22 / CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old-fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads.
  • You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on motorways next to each other.
  • If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friend's, and then copy it.
  • Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.
  • •••••

    Three Wishes

    A lead systems engineer, lead software engineer, and their program manager are walking on a beach during their lunch hour, when they stumble on an old brass lamp.  They start to clean it, and *POOF* out comes a genie.The genie expresses gratitude for his release from the lamp, and offers each of them one wish.

    The systems engineer immediately says, "I'd like to be sailing in a sloop across the Pacific, racing before the wind with a beautiful all-girl crew." "It is done," says the Genie, and the systems engineer disappears.

    The software engineer says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the Southwest." "It is done," says the Genie, and the software engineer disappears.

    The Genie looks at the program manager and asks, "What wish shall I grant you?" The program manager says, "I want those two back at the office after lunch."

     Tour Guide Words

    During a bus tour, the guide pointed to a mansion one one side of the street. "This magnificant home was built by the city's leading psychiatrist. You may notice that the entire porch is done in overwrought iron."


    Baby In The House

    He was only an infant, but little Roscoe had big lungs and his crying could (and did!) wake up the whole neighborhood. "I know he  cries a lot," his mother told her neighbor one day, "But I love him, and wouldn't change him." "Maybe if you'd change him he'd stop crying," replied the neighbor.


    Funeral Procession

    One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following that first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then hundreds of men walking in a single-file line for miles behind. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him  who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied.  "I'm sorry," said Bill, "what happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died," said the man. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man  replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. Then he asked his final question, "Can I borrow your dog?" to which the man replied, "Get in line."



    A doctor on the hospital staff was escorting a group of interns through the hospital and talking about cases that had some special interest. "This young fellow limps because one of his legs is shorter than the other," he said, nodding toward a patient. Then he asked one of the interns, "What would you do in his case?" The student replied, "Well, I think I would limp, too."



    A woman has twin sons, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of her other son. Her husband responds, "Don't feel you're missing anything; after all, they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    Sick Politico

    A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around
    him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

    A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that
    the operation was unsuccessful."

     Physics (put on your thinking hat)

    A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

       Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
       Support your answer with a proof.

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Many of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

    So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

    Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over."

    It was not revealed what grade the student got.

    If Restaurants Worked Like Microsoft

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are  you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

    Waiter: leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    Waiter leaves.

    Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!

    The check:

    Soup of the Day . ........... . . .   $5.00

    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50

    Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $7.00


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     [Last Updated:3/5/98.]